Getting used to non-narcissistic dynamics: trusting the “funny bones”.
Part 7.
If you have been researching about narcissists — either to find validation for what you suffered in their hands, understand how some people in your life behave, or just out of curiosity — you might have noticed they seem to have infinite manipulation cards up their sleeve. I’m serious. Look at this 171 minute article detailing only the most common narcissistic manipulative tricks. It’s the size of a small book, and it’s only covering the basics.
Maybe you’ve started trying to name the tricks whenever you encounter a potential narcissist; And you research some more in case it’s something new to you.
Well… I’d like to suggest a radically different way for dealing with your newly found expertise in narcissistic behaviour:
Trust your “funny bones” without question.
You will not outsmart a narcissist, not because they’re smarter than you — that’s not true, you’re intelligent — but because they dedicate all their time to honing the craft of baiting, manipulating, and triangulating. Literally. They’re hooked on that for dear life, 24/7. Can you compete? Only if you become a narcissist too. In fact, this is what usually triggers generational curses involving narcissism: a former victim starts trying to outsmart the narcissists in their life, doesn’t know where to stop, and ends up becoming quite narcissistic themselves. (Some people I interacted with, even here on Medium, browse away, are clearly victims of narcissists, and yet they exhibit the narcissistic behaviour I pointed out in our interaction. How come? Well, that’s what happened. They became addicted to using the tactics they learned about). That’s why I compare narcissism to an infectious disease. It’s not really infectious, but the metaphor stands. You know better than to hang out with measles-infected people, don’t you? Even if you’re a doctor dedicated to eradicating it. Well, why not apply the same wisdom to narcissists.
I’ll say more: it’s easier to outsmart a psychopath than it is to outsmart a narcissist. That’s why we have interview recordings with serial killers admitting their intentions to the expert. On the other hand, with narcissists truly taking accountability like that, without ANY second intentions, we have none. Am I saying psychopaths are dumber? No. I’ll repeat: narcissists spend 24/7, day in, day out, invested in their delusion. Psychopaths, on the other hand, simply lack empathy, but aren’t afraid to look at reality for what it is — so you could say they’re less delusional, for what it’s worth. They try to fool others, but don’t *constantly* fool themselves.
Now… I won’t dwell on a huge tangent contrasting and comparing people with “real” NPD vs those who simply are too addicted to weaponising manipulation tactics against the narcissists in their lives. I don’t think it’s needed here. That’s why this series is named narcissistic dynamics, not people with NPD. We can move on with the understanding that narcissism can “catch on” if you don’t disappoint your ego a little bit in your quest for answers.
Trust your intuition without question when you don’t feel good interacting with someone and have a vague suspicion they might be narcissistic but “can’t put your finger on why”. This is something a lot of people don’t do, because it looks like admitting defeat. It looks like telling yourself, “well, I give up trying to understand this person. I failed at it”. That’s understandable, especially if the potential narcissist was someone you used to really want a friendship with. However, defeat isn’t all there is to it. There’s more to the story.
You see, whatever it is that is driving this person to behave the way they do towards you — narcissism or not, trauma or not, insecurity or not, [insert long list here] — If it makes you feel bad, and that’s a pattern, chances are this person doesn’t have good intentions. Chances are they’re outsourcing the entire emotional labour to you, and/or don’t value you enough in order to do some of that “figuring-you-out” work themselves. It should be a two-way road, and yet, it isn’t in this case. Are you 100% sure this is worth your while?
This is the crux of the question, the main takeaway: if, no matter how hard you try or how many chances you give someone, they keep behaving in a way that *feels* disingenuous and makes you feel uncomfortable, you’re better off not engaging with them.
It doesn’t matter that you can’t explain why.
It doesn’t matter that they said (with empty words, without any evidence to back that up) they “want to make amends”… And based on your track-record together, whenever you try, all you get is word salad and no real in-depth connection.
It doesn’t matter that you think it’s “wrong” to give up on someone (are you a people-pleaser? That’s common if so)
It doesn’t matter that you were led to believe, or manipulated into believing, that you’re somehow “a bad person” for not wanting to make the connection work out. (I mean… That’s disingenuous. Someone with good intentions wouldn’t say OR IMPLY that, for the simple fact that diversity exists. Nobody pleases everyone. People have preferences. Therefore, no, you have no obligation to keep everyone in your life. You have a right to having preferences, did you know that?).
This article was partially inspired by my experience: narcissistic and other problematic people from my past messaging me to “reconnect” and apparently getting closure [or insert here alternative wording for “getting closure”]. However, they did that without mentioning anything specific they’d like to address (a red flag for: word salad and mind games incoming!).
If you’re a victim of that kind of hoovering, and you’re ever in doubt, pretend it’s a work email: would you find it normal if your boss emailed you saying “hi, we need to talk about certain things (or something else vague like that)”? No. No matter how sweetly they worded it, you’d undoubtedly think, “well… Why is it I am not getting briefed about the topic of our meeting? Doesn’t my boss want me to prepare for it?”.
And that’s exactly what toxic people who engage in narcissistic dynamics DON’T WANT you to do: prepare yourself for what’s coming. That’s why we call it hoovering, and not an honest bid for connection. That’s why you’ll almost certainly waste your time if you engage. And that’s why the best answer is silence.
I hope this was helpful. Until next time.
