How to deal with people who “don’t understand” you.
Spoiler alert: it’s not by explaining yourself harder.
I don’t like talking about this topic because it looks like I’m “painting people in a bad light”. I normally try to give people grace, even if it’s obvious that they have mental struggles to tackle, because, really, nobody is perfect. Why expect perfection out of anyone? I understand first hand what it feels like to be constantly criticised and exposed. People need space to reflect, in between periods of healing.
That said, if I NEVER talk about it, this elephant will stay in the room waiting to be addressed.
For everyone else who knows how to self-regulate, feel free to read the rest of this article.
First of all (for contrast), let’s talk about what mentally healthy people do during a misunderstanding.
Communication doesn’t always go smoothly. Misunderstandings are natural. However, it’s what happens AFTER that will tell you whether or not someone is worth dealing with.
By the way, health in this sense isn’t even a matter of maturity. If you talk to a mentally healthy 5-year-old (in age-appropriate language) and a misunderstanding happens, the child will do their best to help you understand what really was meant, or will get curious about what you really meant. Even if this comes with a tantrum (because it’s a child), I guarantee you it won’t come with active sabotage.
This is what mentally healthy people never do faced with a misunderstanding: feed on it; actively sabotage communication; decide from the get-go that they will not let you arrive at a common denominator, exit the debate, or put an end to it.
Instead, regardless of how the interaction goes, a mentally healthy person of any age will try to arrive at a satisfactory conclusion — either for them, or for you, or for both — as quickly as possible.
That’s because mentally healthy people do not like to keep “wrestling” ad infinitum. They want to be happy. They want conflicts to end.
In an energetic context (because I’m a spiritual blogger), mentally healthy people are not perfect, but they’re happy with balance in the give-and-take of energies. They do not want an imbalance.
Keep this in mind.
There are 3 main kinds of mentally unhealthy people who will try to sabotage your communication with them.
(And they’re all energy vampires)
1. The baiter
The first kind is also the most common. Baiters are in their majority, narcissistic. They need good old “supply” — feed their ego on your emotional response to them, which inflates their ego because they’re getting attention. This is all they’re looking for, so the conclusion to the interaction itself comes second in importance for them. In fact, they’re not even interested in the subject matter. All they want is to “win” in a power dynamics… Like arm wrestling.
Baiters are, as the metaphor implies, like fishermen: they throw a bait, and wait for you to “bite” it so that they can begin torturing you to death. Of course I’m speaking in metaphorical terms. What dies is your energy, your vitality. These people feed on your emotional reactions, and leave you feeling drained, exhausted, used, even physically sick in some cases.
Classic baits are outrageous accusations: the person accuses you of something outrageous, in an attempt to “bait” you into proving your innocence to them. However, the more you try, the more they move the goalposts and keep accusing you of being a horrible person because according to their parameters, you stay guilty before proving your innocence.
Instead of giving them what they want, disengage. You can even say, “okay, dear. You’re enthusiastically talking to a predator (or whatever they’re accusing you of being), so are you really all that different from me?”. This tends to disorient baiters, because they were counting on you to seek their approval. If you instead agree, “wear the shoe” of villain, and start accusing them of hanging out with a villain, they won’t be receiving what they want — an ego boost — and will give up pestering you.
This can be difficult to put in practice if the baiter is someone you know and love. It’s a lot easier with strangers. But trust me: there’s no loving narcissistic people into helping them recover. It does not work. I know it’s heartbreaking, but it does not work. It’s best to just cut contact — although, yes, you can have a little fun “admitting” to what they accused you of. Since they tend to throw completely outrageous and crazy accusations your way, NOBODY ON EARTH would agree. You know they’re wrong, they know they’re wrong, everybody knows they’re wrong. And yet, they continue. Why is that? Well, as I already said, it doesn’t matter who is right or wrong. That’s just a bait. What matters is the power dynamics, the ego boost they’re looking for. Cut that short, and you will win.
Remember: if this person had any authority whatsoever over you, they wouldn’t behave this way. Real authorities aren’t insecure. So, they’re not an authority. They’re just jealous of you and trying to make you look bad. Winning their approval will accomplish NOTHING. It’s worth nothing. They don’t have a leg to stand on, they’re not an authority in ANY topic (and are probably bitter at how much of a loser they are). So, by all means, let them think you’re the villain, let them stay in delulu-land. Meanwhile, you can live in reality and make them even more mad at your success. I usually don’t like right-wing antics, but here it kind of fits: “oh, look at how triggered you are! Boo-hoo, cry some more!”
2. The fake curious.
This kind of energy vampire is less common, but still prevalent in the world. Their whole shtick is pretending to be curious, when in fact they want you to over-explain what you have already explained somewhere and they didn’t bother to listen/read. This is, once again, about stealing your energy. These people want you to invest precious time and energy into them, instead of investing it in other things which could be more worthwhile for you — such as a project you have, a conversation with someone genuine, studies, or whatever.
I remember vividly a funny situation when I was being briefed about what not to do out canvassing for politicians/causes/etc. The mentor was like: “some people will ask you a zillion questions and pretend to be super duper interested in voting, but what they actually want is to slow you down. If they keep you at their door for an outrageous amount of time, you won’t have time to reach every door in the neighbourhood. And that’s how they sabotage the campaign”.
The above briefing was based on a mix of formal research and empirical evidence over the years. Make of it what you will. The same exact phenomenon happens in social interactions too.
In fact, I don’t even need to go too far. Let’s use my comment sections as an example. Every once in a while, not too often (thank god!), some people will ask me a question that could have been satisfied simply by reading the article they’re commenting on. I ignore it, and they get annoyed that I ignored it (every single time) — and sometimes even say outright, “hey, you didn’t answer my question, how dare you” or similar words. (Oh, funny, isn’t it? Who would get mad at that? Only someone whose secret plan I’m anticipating and have already nipped in the bud). Do these people genuinely want me to clarify a thing? No. They don’t. What they really want, and are being disingenuous about, is power over me. They want to slow me down; to wear me out; to “defeat” me by tiredness, so that I won’t have time or energy for new articles.
And why is that? Well, obviously, they do it because I write about things that make them uncomfortable. And instead of just unfollowing, they overinflate their self-importance and pretend they should assert power over me. Lol. AS IF. Stay mad at your irrelevance, trolls.
3. The “concerned” do-gooder.
Ah, yes. The vampire who disguises as a helper. I’m sure all of you have seen this kind of person, common as muck. Offering criticism, control, unsolicited advice, etc claiming to “worry” about you is their signature move — to which I usually reply with something along the lines of “awwwww, how kind of you to be so protective of me! What’s your Revolute handle? I have a few bills I need you to pay for me”. It’s funny how they never want to pay my bills. I thought they wanted very badly to help me. What might have happened? ;)
Yeah, I mean, if people want to act aloof and disingenuous, so will I. Don’t like the reflection? Then CHANGE. Improve as a human. I’m just holding the mirror. And besides, I enjoy the theatrical performance, so not even there will you vampirise my energy. Instead I’ll turn you into my puppet for the circus. By all means… let the show continue.
But the unsolicited helper isn’t even the worst kind! Ladies and gents, I present to you…
*drumroll*
The poor innocent helper “you caught off-guard”.
Oh, no! God help them helpers. They certainly don’t deserve to deal with such demanding customers, do they? Poor unfortunate souls… (in fact, yes, the song fits. I’ll link it here).
If the shoe fits, feel free to throw a fit. This is valid for all other categories. My approval doesn’t have a price tag, darlings — and I’m not talking about money. You can’t bribe me with surface-level flattery. I know what people are deep down, and I’ll repeat: most people are ok deep down. Only a handful of little fuckers fit into the categories here… But boy, are they loud.
What do we help people for?
Huh?
Why should we help people?
Maybe some will say “to get good karma” or even “to be a good person”, and both answers are wrong. They’re exactly as manipulative as saying you help people for money or validation alone.
We shouldn’t help others to get something. Not from them, not from the universe, not from anything.
We help people to see them feel good. It’s about the helped. It’s not about the helpER. Okay?
Unless you accept this maxim, you’ll keep helping people with ulterior motives and “attracting” helpers who have ulterior motives. Let’s not? Let’s move on from that? Well, then, ACCEPT that a good helper doesn’t put their own ego in the equation. Not even covertly, like “oh but I’m not expecting anything in return, I just wish the person I’m helping would collaborate” — WRONG. Completely and utterly bonkers! Stop it!
Let me repeat: we help others to see them feel good. Is it about demanding that the person “collaborates”? Is it about expecting our assumptions about the other person to be correct (so that we get to feel wise and good)? NO!!!! That’s also a me-me-me attitude. It’s a kind of ulterior motive. Can’t you see?!
When we help genuinely, we’re open to receiving ingratitude from the person we helped. We’re open to hearing we are wrong. We’re open to receiving silence, or seeing our advice be thrown in the bin. Do you wanna know why? Simple: because the help we offer is a gift. And gifts shouldn’t come with strings attached. The moment you gift it to somebody else, now it belongs to the person, it’s no longer yours and you no longer have a say on what happens to the gift.
But do energy vampires disguising as helpers wanna learn that? Most of them don’t. Most of them will just keep manipulating conversations in their psychology offices or coaching sessions or whatever it is they do in order to always feel like THEY are right and THEY are good and kind — and to hell with whether or not the person helped genuinely feels better. In fact, energy vampires love pretending they didn’t understand what the person is asking, or judging their feelings and wishes, because real attunement doesn’t give them supply, does it? No. It does not. So, they prefer drama. They prefer to mount a high horse and look down on the “pathetic poor unfortunate soul” asking for help (like Ursula in the song).
How very wholesome. Yeah, right.
Conclusion
Is anybody “permanently” an energy vampire? No, I don’t think so. If I believed in permanence, I wouldn’t be a Buddhist, for starters. I don’t use labels as identity things. I use labels as identifiers of behaviour. If you don’t like the label, change the behaviour. It’s simple.
Besides… Nobody is born having any of the attitudes above. These behaviours are learned, sometimes passed down the generations and left unchecked. But just because people have understandable reasons to engage in these behaviours that destroy themselves and others, it doesn’t mean we shouldn’t address them.
Love it or hate it, nothing is forever. So, guess what, this comfort zone won’t last either.
We’re all imperfect beings. This doesn’t take away from our innate value at all. Acknowledging our mistakes and shortcomings is a learning opportunity, not a self-loathing opportunity. If you require only ease and comfort all the time in order to stay regulated, I’m sorry to break it to you, but you might not be the most functional adult. And that’s a problem to address in therapy, not here.
